It’s been 9 months since we exploded our life, and we’re not any closer to knowing what comes next than we were when we lit the fuse.  This is where we are now…

Since my last update in December, which you can read it here, I turned 37, one of my cousins got married, welcome to the fam Miguel!! We celebrated Lucy’s 13th gotcha day and she is still the cutest and lickiest dog on the planet. We went to a Revival, and Christopher and I visited five new states. In very sad news, my parent’s dog, Jasper, died. The house is a little less furry and a little less cuddly without him around. We miss that upside down doofus. 

We’re still living with my parents. Christopher is still working remote and traveling, and I have been tagging along. I am still blogging at Wolf Hills Coffee most days. And in eleven days, Christopher and I will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. 

It feels like these nine months have flown by and also crawled. So much and so little has happened/changed. Time became basically meaningless at the beginning of the pandemic and it still hasn’t gone back to making any sense for me yet. There’s just before today, today, and after today. I feel like a toddler telling time. Anyway, I love lists, so let’s make some.

Things I know for sure nine months after exploding our life:

• I do not want my identity to be tied to my job/career moving forward

• I don’t miss sweating my ass off

• I wouldn’t mind more snow

• I want to grow food and flowers in my yard

• Depression and anxiety are shapeshifting assholes

• I miss interacting with lots of different people

• I am not a small town girl

• I actually like being outside

• I’m more burnt out and exhausted than I thought

• I miss the water - beach, pools, etc.

• I miss my Florida people

• I miss my favorite Florida places

• I’m lonely

• I’m struggling

• Finding new comfort places is hard

• My face (I have rosacea) and hair are much happier out of the swamp

Things I still don’t have a damn clue about:

• Where we want to live next

• What kind of work I want to try next

• What we want in a house

• What step to take next

• How to travel more/all the time

• If I still like my hobbies or do I want new ones

• How to create a life where I have the flexibility of working remote/hybrid I want and the human interaction I need

• How to keep my skin moisturized in low humidity

• What to do with our stuff in expensive PODS - should we just put it in storage units or throw it all off a cliff???

As I mentioned in the lists, I’m struggling. Depression has pulled me completely into my depression pit. I am anxious all the time. I take Lucy on long walks at night so I can cry alone. I’m having a hard time focusing on the positive even though there is plenty of it. I get to tag along with Christopher when he travels for work. I get to spend lots of time with my parents and one of my brothers. I’ve seen a little bit of snow. There are other adults to take on the adulting tasks like cooking, cleaning, and shopping when I’m not well enough to do it. 

But what fills my head and fuels my depression and anxiety is feeling useless. I feel like I’m a disappointment. I feel like I just get in the way and annoy everyone around me. I am 37 years old and living in my parent’s guest room with my husband and our dog. I have no job or friends, so I’m just around, all the time. What a dream scenario for my parents. 

The housing search/situation is a fucking mess, I’ve basically given up. We’ve seen dozens of houses and made a few offers, including two on a house we LOVED, and nothing has worked out. Does it mean this isn’t the place for us? Is it not the right time? Should we just throw a damn dart at a map and rent something? Put our shit in more permanent storage and live in our minivan? Do we give up and move back to the swamp? Did we ruin our lives? A lot of the time it feels like this was all a big, stupid mistake, and I regret everything. 

I am very uncomfortable with the unknown. I love a plan, but plans haven’t served me well so far, and I just wish I knew what came next. 

Have you ever done something like this? How did you make it through and how long until it didn’t feel like a mistake? Let us know in the comments.