Life Update: January 2022

Hi internet pals. Let’s catch up. How are you? I’m struggling. I’ll start with some lighter topics before I dive into the dark side of things.

I’ve been really enjoying my word of the year, Hygge, so far. I love having candles lit and coffee in a real mug, reading books with ambient music, and little treats. Adding coziness really take the edge off when I’m struggling.

We watched the new season of Queer Eye and cried during every episode because it is the purest form of love available as a TV show. We watched the Harry Potter Reunion and cried, because you guys, they just love each other and support each other so much. We are currently watching Abbot Elementary, Home Economics, and this season of Home Town, all good. And you know I’m watching Sister Wives to see the drama that led to Christine leaving unfold, who will be next?

Now the dark side.

Staying alive is time consuming, expensive, and a pain in the ass. I’m in the process of seeing a hematologist and a gastroenterologist to figure out what is causing some funky blood work results. Based on some very scientific googling after getting some of the test results back and before seeing the doctor for a follow up, I think I have some fancy type of anemia, but what is causing it… who the fuck knows. The other blood test results were not as easily googled so I gave up because there is not enough anxiety medication in my house to let my mind run that wild.

I have been taking extra anxiety meds most days, because I am having panic attacks most days. I cry a lot, don’t sleep enough, forget to eat, and I really need to shower more often. I’m a disaster.

In addition to going to the doctor every week, Christopher has started traveling again and my youngest brother moved away at the beginning of the month. So I don’t have my brother around to eat dinner with me and generally keep me company while Christopher is away, and I am hella lonely.

Every medical diagnosis I have ever received as an adult has been while Christopher is out of town for work. So every time he leaves I’m sure that will be the week a doctor tells me I am dying soon or have a horrible disease that will leave me in a state I have no desire to be in. So I’m over here googling states that allow doctor assisted suicide while crying into a pot of coffee and forgetting to eat before 3pm.

It’s almost Lucy’s 12th gotcha day, which means she is 14 or 15, so I also worry she will die any minute and then what?

My job is changing at some point soon, but I don’t know how or when or if I’ll want to stay. Right now I am working in my office 3 days a week with my door closed, not talking to anyone, and doing everything online (stupid right), and working from home with Christopher and Lucy 2 days a week. All but one of my work friends in my department have left, and aren’t supposed to socialize anyway, so we mostly talk/catch up at happy hour anyway. We’ve had two waves of people being out with Covid in my office suite and luckily I’ve still managed to not catch it. I do think all the unvaccinated people in my office have had it now though, so yay?

Just in case my job becomes less appealing than it already is, I’ve been looking at other cities and states that might be a good fit for us. Christopher works from home and just needs to be near an airport for work travel, so we’d be pretty flexible. I’d obviously have to get a new job, but I’ll deal with that if and when the time comes.

I’m trying to journal as much as I can manage, keeping my daily gratitude list, and my new Hygge rituals. I’ve been meditating before bed, listening to calming nature sounds or music while I read, work, shower, etc. I’ve been watching funny TikToks and rewatching Letterkenny to get a little laughter in. I’m hanging in, but I’m not doing great.

So if we know each other in real life and I don’t return a text or call, or miss a special occasion, I’m truly sorry and I still love you.