The Great Escape: October 2023 Update
October through January is my favorite time of year, but it is off to a fucking terrible start. Long story short, I’m struggling.
Long story long…
The second weekend of the month we had a disaster of a trip to Texas to see the Annular Eclipse. It ended up being cloudy Saturday for the entire eclipse so it wasn’t a great viewing experience. Sunday Christopher ended up getting violently ill, so we had to cancel most of our plans for Sunday and Monday. We flew home-ish, to Knoxville on Monday, and spent the night. On Tuesday morning I came down with the stomach plague Christopher had just finished and got sick in the car in the Chick-fil-A drive-thru at the beginning of our two-hour drive home. About halfway home, we were run off the road by a semi-truck that hit our side view mirror off. It was a lot of bullshit in just four days.
It’s also been a hard feelings month for me, I miss my friends and favorite Orlando places a lot. I miss the fall Trader Joe’s items. I am just sad. All the time.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the upcoming holidays recently and missing the traditions Christopher and I had in Florida that we can’t continue here. I will miss all of our fun Halloween lawn decorations, blintzes at Too Jay’s on Black Friday, seeing the crazy Christmas lights house in our old neighborhood, hosting my annual gingerbread house party, the Disney World holiday decorations and festivals, and big family celebrations. It’s weird having small holidays after a lifetime of big, fun, multi-table celebrations.
It’s hard still being in between what was and what’s next. It’s hard being away from so many people I love. It’s hard feeling disconnected from life, and struggling to just exist. All of it is hard, and I am tired.
I’ve started applying for jobs so I have something to do and feel connected to. It would also be nice to talk to some other people occasionally. I also miss paychecks. Applying for jobs in a new field after almost two decades in education makes me want to dig a hole and hide. How do you convince someone how much shit you did as an educator that can apply to literally everything? I have all the soft skills, but I’m not an engineer, or a nurse, or an accountant, or anything else that requires specific training and hard skills. I can write and talk your ear off, I’m a great presenter and public speaker. I can persuade people to do things they don’t want to do and feel like it’s an exciting adventure, I can give hard news in a kind way, I can manage people and projects, and I am a fucking delight. So cross your fingers that someone is in the market for a smart, occasionally foul-mouthed, ex-educator.
We have given up on buying a house for now, and rentals are insane, but we have to leave my parent's house. It’s been over a year and I feel bad for being here so long. No one wants their almost 40-year-old child, her husband, and an old smelly dog living in their guest room for years on end. I also don’t want to live in a guest room anymore. I miss space. I miss my own bed, my couch, and my cute pink chairs. I want to put my clothes in a closet. I didn’t share a bathroom with Christopher for the whole 10 years we lived in our house, and I want my own bathroom again. Also, a bathtub and a screened porch if I’m dreaming here.
It really feels like life explosion was a huge fucking mistake more and more each day, but I am trying not to give up. As much as I miss Florida, I don’t think I can sweat that much ever again.
